13 Facts About Women…Men Forget
Women confuse men. That’s a given. But it’s not because we don’t learn from
our past relationships; we just forget everything we learned in the time
between one and the next. And we only remember how different the two genders
are when a woman’s inherent eccentricities rear their wild head, once again.
To keep things in check, we’ve compiled a cheat sheet to help you keep your
girl’s differences in perspective with COED’s 13 Facts About Women Men Forget.
So no matter how cool the chick, chances are she (is)…
Full of Sh*t: Before you call NOW, let us just say that this is only a
periodic trait, and exists in varying degrees. Most of the time, it comes out
in what we like to call a “game,” but outside of a relationship it’s called
lying. Basically, she tells you one thing, but means something more than her
words. (Words only seem to matter when she remembers to use yours against you.)
Other times, it happens when she thinks lying serves a purpose greater than the
truth of the moment. So, she might have gone to lunch with her ex and said she
didn’t–but he was a dick like usual, so it wasn’t a big enough deal to tell you
about (i.e., she cares about you enough to not want to hurt your feelings, but
not enough to stop looking elsewhere). Now, try going out with your ex…
More Complicated Than You: When a man says all he needs is some time for
TV, some time for drinking beer (aside from time spent watching TV) and some
sex, he isn’t kidding. Most guys are often easily pleased, regularly content
(if not happy) and down for pretty much anything. That’s what we mean by
“easy-going.” When you’re not dating a woman (or have just started dating her,
and she likes you), she can have no trouble matching that description. However,
once she’s comfortably in a relationship, she unveils a net of internal and
inter-personal intricacies capable of confusing the crap out of any man. It’s a
lot of ins, outs, what-have-yous, and it’s F’ing difficult to remember.
Requires Compliments: Ok ladies, we get it–you have terrible self-esteem.
And that sucks. We’re sure it’s our fault, somehow. (How?) But unless you want
to start telling us what a gigantic d*ck we have every time we see you, give us
a break if we don’t notice what you’re wearing from time to time. Maybe what
you’re wearing sucks. Did you think of that?…Uh, sorry honey. What we meant to say
was, that weird bag dress you threw on looks awesome.
Believes She Knows More About You Than You Do: Again, this only happens
after her relationship is in a comfortable spot. At that point, if there’s
something she doesn’t like about you, she will probably try to change it. Note:
If you’re cheating on her, it’s ok for her to want that to stop. But if you’re
just wearing the wrong shirt, or have the wrong haircut, that’s not her sh*t to
change. You know how you want your hair, damnit. Tell her so–she’ll appreciate
you standing up for yourself.
P.S. Women: Don’t believe anything Cosmo or any other “female-targeted
publication” tells you about what guys like. Just keep it as close to BJs and
BBQ as possible and you’re in the green.
Evil Toward Other Girls: Unless you beat women (in which case, you should
be getting your ass kicked right now, or in jail–preferably both) it’s
difficult to comprehend the razor-sharp viciousness women lash each other with
during a feud. Angry women are cold, calculating–and if they decide to fight
back, they inflict the most damage possible. And this is the part guys forget:
Mess up, and they’ll do the same to you! So if you catch your girl hitting
below the belt with emails and rumors against someone you thought was her friend,
watch your back, that’s all we’re saying.
Self Conscious About Something: This is essentially the cause of “Requires
Compliments,” from above. But what women don’t realize is that, when a guy is
with a girl, he thinks she’s hot. That’s a given in a guy’s mind, and doesn’t
change much. So we completely forget that women, in general, are nervous wrecks
of internal anguish. Usually, their fluctuating insecurity is about their
bodies, which they say is a product of our cruel desire for them. (As if women
are so kind to each other on this front…) Really, it’s about all types of
stuff. So guys, if you take this fact of female existence to heart, it helps
explain many of their womanly mysteries. (Not the g-spot one, though…)
Crazy: We know this is cliche, but let’s get something straight: When
chemical imbalances (i.e., changes in hormone levels) control your thoughts,
words and actions–that’s called crazy. A “visit from aunt flow,” as they say,
is enough to throw many women over the edge–at least for a couple of days. And
while we will forever hold hope that there’s a reliably sane one amongst them,
we are yet to even hear of her existence. In fact, most women admit their
(temporary) insanity; you’d know if you listen to them. Don’t, and that’s some
sh*t they’ll use against you, if you make the mistake of not knowing what the
hell is going on.
Not Funny: Believe us, we’ve met (and dated) plenty of funny women. They’re
not always fat and not always lesbian. Some of them are hot, and those chicks
are the best. But for the most part, women just like to laugh at our jokes
(they all say they want a funny man), and suck at coming up with their own. And
when it comes to stand-up comedians, women have Lisa Lampanelli and Sarah
Silverman and…uh…yeah, that’s it. Unless you count Courtney Love, but we doubt
you want to claim her.
A Star-F**ker: Given the opportunity, most women would seriously consider
screwing a (cool) famous person, just for the f**k of it. Even your girlfriend.
It’s just in their nature. (Non-virgin) guys don’t get obsessed with famous
people the way women do. (Just go to a Justin Timberlake concert, or at least
stand outside and watch to see.) We’re not saying she’ll cheat on you, but she
would definitely weigh her options, given the chance. Especially if the dude
plays a guitar or drums. Those dudes get laid, always. Double the chances again
if he has an accent. Basically, if she’s going to an after party, agree to meet
her there–or consider yourself a dumbass. (She will.)
A Better Liar: When a man lies, he knows he’s doing something wrong. He’ll
dart his eyes, mumble, change the subject and try to just get the hell out of
the situation as fast as possible. When a woman lies, she can look the person
she loves square in the eye and feed him the biggest load of bullsh*t ever, and
make it seem like she’s being perfectly reasonable–more reasonable than usual!
(That’s your first clue.) But pity the man who catches his woman in a lie; call
her out on it, and she will drop her entire arsenal of your f**k-ups upon your
quickly withering form. Forget that tactic; it’s better to just go get drunk
and hit on other chicks out of spite.
Enjoys Cat Calls: First of all, most dudes don’t call out to girls on the
street; we check out your ass and overflowing push-up bra from a respectable
distance. But women don’t just (secretly, deep down) enjoy getting cat calls
thrown their way, they expect it. Sure, some dude might go over the line now
and then, and that never feels nice. But if nobody stares and nobody says a
single lewd comment, she feels less sexy, like there’s something wrong with her
that day, or at least with what she’s wearing. Guys, don’t take this as an
invitation to hit on every stranger you see walking down the street. But
ladies, stop telling us you don’t like it.
Constantly Looks For Inner-Meaning: For men, saying exactly what you mean
stands as a matter of pride. But no matter how straight your talk, women like
to feel like they have more control over the situation by attempting to decode
what you’re not saying, so they can guess how you’re feeling and what to do
next. Here’s the thing, ladies: Men only talk to accomplish a goal of some
type, like working out a business plan. You talk just to talk. It makes you
feel better just to get everything out there. If talking isn’t for any reason
other than to talk, he’d rather do anything else.
Uses
Sex To Manipulate Men: If she’s looking extra hot and/or acting particularly
friendly, beware: she is probably going to ask you to do something you don’t
want to do. (This is a perfectly acceptable trade-off in a woman’s mind.) She
knows you like sex, and she’s got the tools to use that desire against you–or
at least to get what she wants. But sex is what we want, so don’t get us wrong
on this one: We want you to use sex to manipulate us. It’s the best form of
manipulation possible. But don’t think we don’t know what you’re up to.
